Guys that pregame with Everclear
Have you seen what Everclear does to a cabinet? Takes the paint right off. Don’t believe me, try it. Pour it down a panel and watch paint fall to the kitchen floor in a glob. Everclear does the same thing to the human mind.
A few red solo cups of Jungle Juice and he’ll blab about how hot your roomie is. When you confront, he’ll slip up and mention her gumball breasts. He might even suggest that you try free-boobing like her.
Only after you lose 30 pounds.
Guys that refuse to eat anything that’s not on the kids’ menu
You’re on your first date. Things are going great. He took you to a restaurant that’s not a chain. They don’t offer straws. The decor screams mid-century modern chic. It’s actually kind of cute. Except your date’s face is almost as maroon as the Cabernet Sauvignon in your glass.
When you ask him what’s wrong he says, “This menu is unacceptable. Where are the chicken tenders and fries?”
Guys that never buy sheets
There’s a reason most guys do it with the lights off. If you stick around long enough you’ll wake up in the middle of the night grasping for some source of warmth. Reaching into the nighttime abyss the only thing your hands find are his leg hairs.
What you thought were sheets were piles of t-shirts arranged to mimic human decency.
Guys that are self-proclaimed hypebeasts
He bought a Supreme shirt on your trip to NYC because everyone has to know he was in the “the city.” As if his slew of New York City, New York tagged IG posts and story didn’t suffice. His box logo shirt is turning yellow around the pits. After only five days in the city, he incorporates “deadass” into every sentence.
Guys with no real skills outside of their mechanical engineering degree
You’re on a road trip in his dropped Subaru. The subwoofer is rattling every molecule of your brain. The unrelenting scraping of the bottom of his car sounds like your gynecologist wheeling his chair over for a pap smear.
The tire blows. It’s 115 degrees in Albuquerque.
Instead of simply changing the tire. He has to tell you every bolt, nut, screw, hole, ribbed and stripped part of the tire. When the AC goes out he finally agrees to call AAA.